learning to tie a bow tie

This morning NWC felt like wearing a bow tie to church, but neither of us knew how to tie one.  I had wistfully purchased a bow tie for him maybe a year ago; when I originally bought it, we both tried briefly before giving up and it has remained unused since. Tonight I finally settled down and learned from this Wikipedia image, first on my knee while sitting cross-legged and then on my good ol' teddy bear Brownie.  I think he looks rather dapper. Now when NWC has the hankering for a bow tie, I'll be ready.

t minus 4

Growing up, folks tended to think that I was younger than I was.  I was tiny, in part due to a back brace, so this kind of made sense.  When I was a senior in high school, a parent mistook me for a middle schooler.  That's a four year gap, ladies and gentlemen.

Today, the four year gap hit me again.  A visiting postdoc thought I was a senior.  When I told her that I was a first year grad student, she didn't realize how far off she was, since I didn't bother to explain that I took three years off to work/play in between college and grad school.

I used to be flattered by this kind of mistake, but today it kind of irked me.  I try not to think about what others think of me, but I do care about having a professional demeanor.  Do I just look young or am I acting or dressing immaturely?  Do I seem inexperienced?  Is it a confidence issue?

At this point, I'm no longer reading into interaction I had today, but trying to determine how to assess my demeanor.  There are so many factors, how does one test which ones might be problematic, let alone improve?

welcome to the system

I've been teaching the "Sunbeams" class at church--the three-going-on-four-year-olds.  The kids are adorable and the lessons are wonderful: "I am thankful for my eyes," "I am thankful for my home," "I love my family," "I can say I'm sorry," etc..  But no more.

I was recently called to be in the Primary Presidency, which was kind of surprising, given that I'm more comfortable with middle-schoolers than eight-year-olds.  I can't tell if it was a surprise for the President herself, but speculation on that front leads only to negative places.  Regardless, somebody's decided that I need to be elbow-deep in church: N and I are working at the temple once a month and I'm still a VT supervisor for the Relief Society.  Have I mentioned that N and I just chaired a service project too?

The more bureaucracy I see, the more I want to change.  For example, on the service project, I got a fair number of emails, probably about half of which concerned publicity.  Not publicity as in getting the word out to up the number of volunteers, but publicity as in can you give us a quote for this newspaper article? or can you read this statement from the governor of New Jersey at the event?  No, was usually my answer.  Especially when reading the statement from the governor would be patting ourselves on the back in front of those who we were serving.  We'd be telling adults in a group home that they were a service project.  Yeah, not gunna happen.

And now I'm in Primary.  Recently there was a lesson in modesty and they talked about how we should keep our shoulders covered.  To kids aged three to eight.  Several of whom were wearing sun dresses without sleeves.  I told one afterward that I liked her dress, and she shamefully replied that she had left the jacket at home.  I told her it was okay, but I don't think it sunk in.  I don't feel good about passing on some aspects of the culture to kids so young.  I don't want their bodies sexualized or them to feel that kind of shame at seven.

I'm supposed to be in charge of the Primary program coming up in October.  One of the songs I take issue with: The Lord Gave Me a Temple, to be sung sweetly.  It seems wrong to have kids singing about being "clean and pure and habit-free."  Ugh.  I get shivers.  We aren't open enough to say we're talking about sexuality, drugs, etc. for kids, and so we use these vague terms, which frankly makes it really creepy.  Another nit: reading your scriptures is a habit.  So there.

As long as I'm ranting, Mormons say "I know ___ is true," a whole heckavulot.  The scriptures, the gospel, the church, whatever else.  What does it mean that the scripture are true?  Does it mean that they're literally true?  Does it mean that they're inspired?  Does it mean that they exist?  If the church is true, does it mean that other churches can't be "true" too?  Again with rampant ambiguity.

Finally, I've been in a whirl of streamlining my life.  I've become pretty efficient in general, but I'm now using the GTD system and taking it up a notch.  Given that context, almost everything systematic in Primary is grossly inefficient, to the point where it might be twitch-activating.  What I really need to do is focus on the wonderful people I'm serving with and try and feel their concern for the kids, which is where the real beauty lies.

On some level, I need to stop worrying about being right and start worrying about being good and loving.  I don't need to come up with a way fix everything I see.  I do need to make sure those that I interact with are treated respectfully and with love.  It doesn't matter that I'm recycling almost every piece of paper that's passed my way (in favor of digital copies I've requested from the fabulous secretary).  What matters is that we're there for the kids.  I'll do my best to teach what and how I think is best, and I have to trust everyone else to do the same.

and then stepping forward

Setting a recreational internet time daily limit of ten minutes didn't last long--maybe a day or two--but it was enough to push me in the right direction.  I now have a limit set to 30 minutes a day, which I rarely hit, partially because there's just a lot going on right now.

On the productivity vein, I've started reading GTD and using the free trial of OmniFocus, which is working really well for me.  I like the concept of putting information somewhere that's not in your brain so you can focus on the current context.  I tend to waste a lot of time flitting between contexts, so this is very useful.  My productivity is already ramping up, or at least it feels that way.  I'm not a GTD cult follower yet, but I might get there.

stepping back

A while ago, N and I tried limited our recreational internet time.  We set the limit at an hour a day and I tried a bunch of different timers like iChrono, StayFocused, and Thyme.  It worked for a while but we eventually lapsed back into our old habits.

I get distracted easily, which is no news, but recently I've been less satisfied with my online distractions which mostly consist of news, comics, blogs.  I feel like there have been some excellent things that I'm glad I've read, but that I'm starting to be apathetic about most content.  Part of me just wants to buckle down and write a smarter RSS aggregator, but part of me wants to just take a break.

I'm reminded of my new year's themes, particularly the first one: physical over virtual, though others apply as well.  Given that, I think I'm going to take a week off from reading online content that's not related to either 1) work/research/school or 2) Russian History.  I want to break the habit of "I'm bored.  I'll check Google Reader."

I have a quilt to complete, a pile of papers (and then some) left over from the move that need to be sorted through, plenty of academic work to do, a string of guests arriving over the next month, several half-finished books, and a million other odds and ends to manage.

Anyway, I'm reinstating the StayFocused extension for Chrome with a time limit of ten minutes a day; the goal is to keep it enabled for a full week.  We'll see how long it takes me to get twitchy from withdrawal.

The Atonement

Given the Easter season, it should be no surprise that I've been thinking about the Atonement of Christ, which heals the bridge between imperfect man and perfect God.  The official LDS website has the following to say about the atonement (among other things, of course).

As used in the scriptures, to atone is to suffer the penalty for sins, thereby removing the effects of sin from the repentant sinner and allowing him or her to be reconciled to God. Jesus Christ was the only one capable of carrying out the Atonement for all mankind. Because of His Atonement, all people will be resurrected, and those who obey His gospel will receive the gift of eternal life with God.

I'd like to narrow the scope of my discussion to the earthly ramifications of the Atonement, or how people use the Atonement in their lives.  In the most traditional sense, we use the Atonement to repent of our sins.  It is a wonderfully cleansing process to think back on the things I've done wrong and be healed--it enables me to let things go and forgive myself.

Additionally, LDS folks often talk about the Atonement enabling Christ to know all our sorrows and joys; He feels perfect compassion.  This is nice because we will always have someone to turn to for comfort, no matter what we are experiencing.

I recently utilized an aspect of the Atonement which is new for me--it doesn't strictly fall under either of these categories.  A motley of events have lead me to feel mild anger, a hesitation to do what's right, and dislike of specific individuals.  These are all mental and spiritual burdens which can be lifted through mechanisms closely related to the two other usages of the Atonement.  In my case, the negative emotions were replaced by love, which was a mixture of repentance and experiencing the compassion of Christ.

It's old hat to use one's relationship with God to improve oneself, but I had never framed it in this way before: negative emotions can be relieved as soon as we acknowledge them as unwanted and seek healing.  The earthly ramifications of any of these mechanisms can probably be achieved through other means as well, but I thought I'd share a little bit about my method of healing.

societal care and anonymity

I feel like I rant and rave about selfishness quite a bit; that and ignorance are my two main explanations when people do things I don't like, agree with, or understand.  Of course, I'm just a likely to be ignorant and selfish as others, so when things go wrong socially, it's a battle to balance between blaming myself so I improve my faults and blaming others so I'm not overwhelmed with incapacitating guilt.

I had one of those awkward social moments a bit ago.  I was grocery shopping and accidentally got in the "7 items or less" (*cough* fewer) lane with far more than 7 items.  The lady behind me was giving me dirty looks and I cocked my head at her.  She explained her source of discontent, and I, with my groceries already on the belt, went into a doting and apologetic frenzy.  She then looked down and realized that she had more than 7 items too, and moved to another lane.

I'm fascinated by the enforcement of rules within a community, no matter their origin.  I've seen people call out their rule-breaking peers in many contexts, mostly because it benefits them in some way.  With increasing isolation among people that live in proximity, I feel that this kind of interaction is proportionally higher than it has been in the past.  People feel an actual need to interact with others when they are being disadvantaged, but are more than happy to ignore the rest of the hundreds and thousands that pass by them every day.

Being generally friendly is a good start against this alienation, but it can also be unwelcome or even creepy, depending on the situation.  I appreciated a fellow shopper telling me that Jazz apples are the best for snacking, but I was looking for apples for baking.  And he talked for too long.  Those kind of interactions can be deeply meaningful on occasion, though, restoring faith in a crowd of the otherwise anonymous.  My own policy is to go for a simple smile or nod of the head to passers-by, which I think is almost always welcome.

Part of the problem is that our individual social networks aren't the same as the communities in which we live.  I have strong social connections all over California, a group of folks in the Boston area, those in my current location, and a sprinkling elsewhere.  We have no motivation to care about individuals in our community that we may see once then never again.  If a friend had seen me get in the 7 items lane, she might have tugged my sleeve and said, "Hey, did you see this was a 7 items lane?"  Friendly, straightforward, and helpful.  It's much harder to assume that kind of familiarity with people we don't know.

Even when strangers can assume familiarity, it often isn't perceived as intended because the speaker is unknown.  Someone might have a naturally gruff tone to their voice or may look intimidating.  Without a preexisting connecting between two individuals, a friendly comment might land on defensively deaf ears.

Social anonymity certainly has its advantages too; the penitent can reforge identities which help them overcome past mistakes.  (The manipulative can also use this to their advantage too, though.)  Children can become independent of their parents which causes growth.  People find new ways to create their needed local connections; social spheres can be more welcoming to strangers if every member once was in that same position.  Minds are expanded due to diversified contact.

I've toyed with the idea of building my own physically collocated community to create the social interdependence I crave.  However, every community breeds its own kind of isolation and set of other problems.  I have no road map for what should be on a larger scale, but I do think every individual should strive to be kind, understanding, and respectful of both their anonymous and known peers.  I also think that I need to be happier with my community as is instead of inventing ideals; on some level it should be good enough for me to do my best and have the relationships I do.

a blast from the past

I was sorting through the old CD backups I had of my middle/high school computer, and aside from a lot really hilariously embarrassing things--some of which I will share later this week--I found some stuff that makes me really sad.

In particular I was stuck by my religious zealotry that lingered even into college.  I knew I was annoying sometimes, but I had no idea how arrogant and offensive I was being a lot of the time.  To some extent, I had just been instilled with an unquestioning confidence in the beliefs of my church.  When one is taught all one's lives that something is truth, even when part of that truth is that we should have a personal confirmation, it can still seem that there is no other way.  Children must trust their elders (on many counts, not just with regard to religion) or else be lead into a fearful state of insecurity and instability, and taught beliefs often continue into young adulthood and beyond, for better or worse.  I still have faith, but it has evolved and my attitudes on how I share that faith have changed drastically.  Regardless, I am still responsible for my actions and I would have done so much differently if I could go back with the knowledge I have now.  I am deeply sorry for the things I said or wrote that were offensive, mean, or ignorant.  I'm also sorry for just being annoying too.

We all make mistakes as we grown and learn, even as adults.  N reminds me that I think too much about the past; he's right that it is unhealthy to look back and scrutinize everything.  It doesn't really help us now, when we're faced with a new set of problems--spending too much time in the past will prevent things from being accomplished here and now.  I have changed very much since then, and I'm trying to just accept that and move on, learning what I can from what I did and being a better person now.  I still say and do stupid things and likely always will.  There are so many ways to say one thought that I will continually blunder.  There are so many good things to be done that I'll never allocate my time properly.  But life moves on and my love for people, in the abstract and in particular, grows.  Hopefully someday I will get the chance to be the person I want to be.

defining oneself

Last night N and I took a university-organized trip up to see Jersey Boys on Broadway.  It was lots of fun, and both of us were surprised by how many songs we knew and how interesting the plot was.  Overall, it was well worth the trip.  The show, however, is only the starting point for my ramblings.

On the bus ride home, several people near us were talking about the time zone of Australia.  There were lots of silly things about this conversation that N and I nitpicked later (like the fact that Australia has multiple time zones), but the gist of it was they they couldn't determine if Australia was ahead of or behind US Eastern time.  They needed a smartphone to figure it out.

While eavesdropping, I worked through it pretty quickly: Australia is west of the international date line and the sun rises in the east...it isn't that hard.  I thought to myself that while I don't know facts like "Australia is X to Y hours ahead of location B," I have a good grasp of general facts that allow me to figure things out.  I've always been that way: logic over memorization.

Preening my ego, I began to think about usefulness and how I was a generally useful person, being able to figure out such silly things and all, but was soon deflated because of the thought that usefulness is so vague.  Lots of people do interesting, amazing, and productive things, but usefulness is one of those things that is entirely relative.  Sure, I might be good at cooking, but how about singing?  Definitely not good at that one.  I can write computer programs, but I'm totally twisted up when it comes to fixing cars.  People's abilities vary, and we rely on each other to create a beautiful, full world.

Humbled again, I began to think about how we define ourselves as people.  In the Australia case, I was defining myself as "useful" and thinking about all the things I can do.  I feel like as humans we do a lot of self-definition, or at least I do.  I am that, I do this, I would never..., I always....

One fragment of our self-definition comes from our possessions, partly because it is one way of allowing others to see how we see ourselves.  Clothes are strongly tied with identity in many cases, as are gadgets, books, etc.  We even use how little or much stuff we have as a label, e.g. "I'm a minimalist."  These things or lack thereof stand out because they are physical, which means they are easy tools to use, especially since so many of them come pre-loaded with stereotypes.  As a society, we'll always use the visual clues to guide us in classifying others: everything from high school molds to various types of religious modesty and dress.  As long as we are willing to accept individuals beyond those first impressions, it's okay, normal, and even helpful in navigating our insanely complicated social waters.

In addition to using objects to shape ourselves, we also like to make general statements like "I'm a nice person."  Self definition along these lines can boost our self esteem or throw us into a spiral of depression ("Nobody likes me.").  Ties to adjectives or blanket statements will always be broken.  Even nice people need to be selfish occasionally to survive, and those who think that they aren't likes are often surprised by how much love and concern others have for them.

I'm slowly learning that I need to just stop trying to define myself and just be myself.  (I just wrote pure cheese, my friends, but it needed to be said.)  I know my specific skills (cooking, programming, etc.) and use them.  My nice car doesn't appear to jive with my otherwise so-called hippy-style, but it's consistant for me.  I can identify plenty of ways I'd like to improve myself.  There are so many facets to being a person, that it isn't worth the time to try and box myself in.  ...and no, I'm not trying to call myself a "free spirit."